she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
