How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
