I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
