I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
