I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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