Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Randomize