before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
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