I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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