wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Randomize
