I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
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