Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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