don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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