Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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