my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
