Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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