there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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