Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
