Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize