Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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