I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Terrible idea I love it
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Randomize
