he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
