He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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