i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
