I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
