please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
