pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
