I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
