At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
