Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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