i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Randomize
