Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
