Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
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