pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
