Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
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