Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
