i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
