they need to just BURY HIM!
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
