look no pants
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
