I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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