I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
