the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
