I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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