How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
