I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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