Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
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