Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Randomize
