so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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