Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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