You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I deserve this hangover.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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