my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
