Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
We have so much sex to catch up on
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Help me help you realize you are a moron
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize