you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
