Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
