idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
