I'd wear matching sweaters with you
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Randomize
