No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
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