she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Randomize
