I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
