tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
