All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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