Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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