She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Randomize