he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
