there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
